Improving Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: INCORRECT PAYROLL CHECKS

Dear Mr. Leoni,

As we previously discussed in our meeting in regards to the faulty information in the computer files, I am informing you that I have productively found the derivation of our dilemma. In an effort to solve our existing situation, I did a review of my computer operators’ files relating to the incorrect payroll checks and found that the time cards were in fact in error. The individuals within my directory are duplicating time tickets that contain the wrong information, thus leading to our current situation. I believe that we indeed can solve this situation by being more thorough in our handling of this sensitive information.We discussed the possibility of adding the task of comparing the tickets with the sheet of times to my Personnel’s workload. I fear that our company ambition of creating a positive work environment might be affected negatively affected by this additional workload and I believe that we can arrange a more efficient system to process the information. if the tickets are reviewed before they are submitted. I would like to recommend a solution that will be adequate to all of our needs. I will compose a memo and send it out to the personnel that are included in this situation, emphasizing that we will begin to conduct random reviews of the tickets. By informing the personnel of the situation I hope to create an awareness of the issue at hands. Also, I recommend that you tell the clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.

Best regards,
Donald Pryzblo



There were several changes in which the sample email required modifications. The email, at first glance, is viewed as a letter written by the boss lashing out at employees due to their insubordination. The first correction would consist of the message within the subject category being written in all caps. It is possible that the Caps lock could have been activated nevertheless, if that were not the case then the subject would imply that the sender is using an aggressive tone towards the recipients. It is also possible that the “flaw” could not in fact be a mistake; the subject is both more clear and comprehensible written in sentence form.
Words containing quotations can sometimes indicate malicious intent. For example, in the first sentence, Mr. Pryzblo addresses the word “error” in quotations. It seems as if he is implying that a previous conversation involving errors made within his department is spurious . By allowing the word “error” to be quoted in this particular case, suggests a disagreement and partial hostility towards the recipient. A revised and more acceptable form of Mr. Pryzblo’s first sentence should have stated, “ As we previously discussed in our meeting in regards to the faulty information in the computer files, I am informing you that I have productively found the derivation of our dilemma.” The entire nature of the email is changed due to the process of re-wording. Miscommunication is a prevalent mistake when communicating.
The remainder of the email is aggressively written and it demands the change of the situation, opposed to assembling and finding a better solution for the problem. Secondly, the first word within the body of the email, “contrary,” is negative, instantly indicating the manner of the circumstances. Mr. Pryzblo becomes defensive towards T. Leoni and initiates the blame game. Possible and future conflict could be avoided by articulating the point as, “In an effort to solve our existing situation, I did a review of my computer operators’ files relating to the incorrect payroll checks and found that the time cards were in fact in error. The individuals within my directory are duplicating time tickets that contain the wrong information, thus leading to our current situation. I believe that we indeed can solve this situation by being more thorough in our handling of this sensitive information.” The revision indicates that the problem has been recognized and each parties are equally compliant in finding a possible solution.
The closing of the email is an alleged recommendation however the context suggests otherwise. Mr. Pryzblo writes, “ I recommend that you tell your clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.” The modified translation would suggest a solution opposed to a semi threat. “ I would like to recommend a solution that will be adequate to all of our needs. I will compose a memo and send it out to the personnel that are included in this situation, emphasizing that we will begin to conduct random reviews of the tickets. By informing the personnel of the situation I hope to create an awareness of the issue at hands. Also, I recommend that you tell the clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.” As previously stated, miscommunication is a prevalent mistake when communicating. The incorrect choice of words can easily ignite a downward spiral of perplexity towards a colleague. When communicating within the work place, professionalism is expected, above all, when communicating.